He knew he should be doing something productive. He had everything out and ready, too. His tablet sat on his leg, threatening to slide off at any moment (It was a miracle it hadn't already considering the quivering state it was in, barely handing on as he tapped his foot along to a song.) It was relatively slow, a nice, steady, pulsing beat to get him relaxed. He'd get some work done after this song. Yeah. Just one song and then he'd focus. It was three minutes max. It wouldn't make or break him. He clicked the button hanging along the earphone wires, the bump getting louder, his tablet shaking stronger and he tapped his food and bobbed is head. When the song was over he pulled the earphones out and opened his notebook. He was going to get something done.
No, seriously he was. But the girls next to him were talking kind of loud. Their hushed whispers felt unrestrained as the gestured wildly and snickered and sipped on their already empty coffee drinks, trying to get some melting ice coffee water through the straw. Every sip was a loud whoosh of air through a broken straw, and the one nearest to him must have been desperate to get it all drank because she would not stop. SLUUUURP. Swoooooosh. Sluuuurppp. Swoooosh. But it must have been nice. Some refreshing water, even if slightly coffee-ish. And maybe a nice bagel...
Damnit. Now he was thirsty. And hungry. He gathered his things, zipping up his red backpack and pulling it across his back before pulling up the hood of his gray sweater.
He watched the girls as he waited in line to order himself a bagel sandwich and buy a bottle of water. The line was pretty short today, especially for this hour, but he had to wait forever for them to finish his sandwich. If he had really tried, he could've worked on a reading in line. But no. That would be a good idea, and he wasn't making many of those today.
He sat back down, already salivating at the thought of finally eating something today. He put his foot on a weird stool that looked kind of like a dinosaur vertebrae and rested his tablet on his leg again. He opened it back up to a browser page for streaming the most recent episode of Mad Men. Just five minutes, he thought. Five minutes of this show and I'll buckle down. Just while I eat. He pressed play and leaned back, losing track of what he was doing. He didn't move until the entire show had finished. Once it did, he shut the tablet and set it aside, checking his phone. Shit. He had three minutes to get upstairs before class started. He'd finish his work during his next lecture if he could.
No, seriously he was. But the girls next to him were talking kind of loud. Their hushed whispers felt unrestrained as the gestured wildly and snickered and sipped on their already empty coffee drinks, trying to get some melting ice coffee water through the straw. Every sip was a loud whoosh of air through a broken straw, and the one nearest to him must have been desperate to get it all drank because she would not stop. SLUUUURP. Swoooooosh. Sluuuurppp. Swoooosh. But it must have been nice. Some refreshing water, even if slightly coffee-ish. And maybe a nice bagel...
Damnit. Now he was thirsty. And hungry. He gathered his things, zipping up his red backpack and pulling it across his back before pulling up the hood of his gray sweater.
He watched the girls as he waited in line to order himself a bagel sandwich and buy a bottle of water. The line was pretty short today, especially for this hour, but he had to wait forever for them to finish his sandwich. If he had really tried, he could've worked on a reading in line. But no. That would be a good idea, and he wasn't making many of those today.
He sat back down, already salivating at the thought of finally eating something today. He put his foot on a weird stool that looked kind of like a dinosaur vertebrae and rested his tablet on his leg again. He opened it back up to a browser page for streaming the most recent episode of Mad Men. Just five minutes, he thought. Five minutes of this show and I'll buckle down. Just while I eat. He pressed play and leaned back, losing track of what he was doing. He didn't move until the entire show had finished. Once it did, he shut the tablet and set it aside, checking his phone. Shit. He had three minutes to get upstairs before class started. He'd finish his work during his next lecture if he could.
Hi Brittany, You've got some good images here! Now imagine this character has just told his partner he is leaving them (for whatever reason you choose), now how would this scene look differently to him?
ReplyDeleteHey Brittany!
ReplyDeleteTook a read at this and immediately feel into the story. The rhythm you established with the tapping was great. You replicated that rhythm with the "slurps" of the girls near him and you could have taken it even further with descriptors of the sandwich makers. This story feels incomplete in the sense that you could go back and heighten sensory details (sight, sound taste). Take Cupolo's advice as well and see if another character is the reason why he gets so distracted.
Ex: "My ex and I used to sit here, I wonder if she's coming now? Probably not, shit I missed that last scene of the episode"
Overall, great work and great potential. Love reading characters with flaws and following a rhythm.