I haven't been sleeping. It's not because I've been watching tv late into the night. It isn't because I'm not tired. I am so tired.
There's a long list of things I need to do. A long list of things I am trying to do right now. Things I am trying to be. Accomplishments I haven't achieved. Goals I'm not following through on. Dreams I am forgetting. Dreams I keep on forgetting when I need them most.
Sundays are my least favorite day. I'm just wishing I had Saturday all over again so I could do something with my life, or maybe sleep more deeply, or maybe make a list of all the things I have to do to calm me down while I still have time to do it all. But I don't have the time anymore. Not really. I just want to know what I've got to do. It makes the stress less painful.
I stopped praying and I'm not sure why because I think God is still listening, but I've stopped asking Him for what I want, what I think I need, because I don't know what I want anymore and I don't think about what I need, besides more time, which I sabotage every time I get it, because I don't know what I really have. I mean I count my blessings every once in a while. A heartbeat is a blessing, but I've had it for so long, I don't remember what it feels like to recognize how much I need it and how lucky I am, except for when I haven't had it, times I can count on my fingers.
But I'm always thanking God for my feet. How they move with the ground as I go, even when I'm not paying attention. How even when I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going, they still seem to know how to get there. How to continue on, blindly.
There's a long list of things I need to do. A long list of things I am trying to do right now. Things I am trying to be. Accomplishments I haven't achieved. Goals I'm not following through on. Dreams I am forgetting. Dreams I keep on forgetting when I need them most.
Sundays are my least favorite day. I'm just wishing I had Saturday all over again so I could do something with my life, or maybe sleep more deeply, or maybe make a list of all the things I have to do to calm me down while I still have time to do it all. But I don't have the time anymore. Not really. I just want to know what I've got to do. It makes the stress less painful.
I stopped praying and I'm not sure why because I think God is still listening, but I've stopped asking Him for what I want, what I think I need, because I don't know what I want anymore and I don't think about what I need, besides more time, which I sabotage every time I get it, because I don't know what I really have. I mean I count my blessings every once in a while. A heartbeat is a blessing, but I've had it for so long, I don't remember what it feels like to recognize how much I need it and how lucky I am, except for when I haven't had it, times I can count on my fingers.
But I'm always thanking God for my feet. How they move with the ground as I go, even when I'm not paying attention. How even when I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going, they still seem to know how to get there. How to continue on, blindly.
No comments:
Post a Comment